Why Norman Osborn Is Peter Parker's Greatest Love

If this article seems hastily written, my apologies.  I'm perpetually short on time, and on deadline.

I recently read a pair of articles on ComicVine that make arguments for why Mary Jane Watson and Gwen Stacy are each the best romantic interest for Peter Parker (aka Spider-Man).  The MJ article really pissed me off, as I could list off a multitude of reasons why I think she was a lousy match for Peter.  Needless to say, I'm none too pleased at the direction the comics are currently taking with them, as they seem to be angling to put them together post-One More Day travesty.  The Gwen Stacy article, while I have fewer issues with it, still seems a little too mired in the sentimentality of the past.

Still, the comments section of any article is either a source of great humor or angst, and in reading the replies to both articles, I was inspired by one of the commenters to respond with one of the more hilarious takes on this topic.  Namely, why Norman Osborn is Peter Parker's greatest love.

Don't believe me?  Step up to the stage, skeptic! :-P

Norman Osborn, in case any of you don't know, is the Green Goblin, one of Spider-Man's most iconic and long-standing foes.  It's easy to say that he's obsessed with Spider-Man, in much the same way the Joker is obsessed with Batman (and vice versa).  So like MJ and Gwen, he's been in Peter's life for a very long time.  And unlike one of these potential true loves, Norman's come back for the dead for him!

He's the father of Peter's best friend, Harry Osborn, and has on multiple occasions lamented how much better a son Peter would have made for him than the unmotivated, underachieving Harry.  On more than one occasion, Norman has indicated an obsession with making Peter his surrogate son in Harry's stead, an offer which Peter always refuses.  So in that sense at least, you have Peter playing hard to get, and Norman always pursuing him.

Even when he knew Peter's secret identity as Spider-Man (or vice versa), he's never actually spilled the beans to the public, something Peter did himself in the Civil War.  Sure, he may have manipulated, threatened, and driven him crazy, but at least he never killed Aunt May or put her in any kind of terminal condition--which Peter essentially did do. So in a warped sense of irony, he knows Peter better than Peter knows himself, and treats Peter better than Peter often treats himself.

Then there's the storyline Sins Past, where we find out that way, way back in the past, Norman Osborn actually slept with Gwen Stacy and fathered children with her.  Now clearly, Norman had no real feelings for Gwen--he certainly didn't think twice about killing her--and was much more interested in furthering his obsession with creating a worthy heir, but by this point in their history, he had to realize he wasn't going to get anywhere with his other obsession, Peter Parker.  But given Peter's closeness with Gwen, what better way to feel close to the object of your affection (short of killing his girl, which he succeeded at doing) than nailing his love and getting her pregnant with twins?

If he wasn't able to have Peter, he could at least make himself a permanent fixture in his life.

Finally, there's the letter.

You know what I'm talking about.  From the story arc The Last Stand.  Spidey has just defeated the Goblin after being put through a specially taxing series of gauntlets, managed to rescue his Aunt May, and finally earned himself some rest.  And what do we see going in the mail as this happens?  A letter, from Norman Osborn to Peter Parker, thanking him for providing challenge, structure, and purpose for his otherwise boring and humdrum life.  He wishes him all the best, and hopes for a speedy recovery so they can eventually meet again.

If that's not obsession...

Peter may not love Norman Osborn, but he has in his way obsessed over him just as much as Norman has obsessed over Peter.  You can't dispute that he's an enormously important figure in Peter's life, and as time and writing have shown, he'll never leave him the way Gwen did--never mind the technicalities of him killing her, which I would argue is yet another result of his obsession with Spidey.  They give each other meaning and purpose, and definitely strive to be at their best when they get together.

I'm not saying it's a perfect love, and I'm not saying it isn't more than a little twisted, but it is for the reasons above that I believe Norman Osborn, more than Gwen and MJ, is the number one love of Peter Parker's life.

This article is, in case anyone freaks out, intended as a joke.  I don't really think Norman is Peter's greatest love, though this did arise from a sense of discontent from the ComicVine articles.  Comparing Gwen an MJ is really not fair, so I figured another unfair comparison was, ironically, fair game.

GN Review -- Empowered, v. 1 / Adam Warren

I came across Empowered when I read a blog post about sex in superhero comics.  Empowered was cited as a comic that gets it right as opposed to how sex was generally portrayed in the more mainstream superhero comics: either as clichéd, bland soap opera suggestions; overdone, exploitative cheesecake or soft-core porn that panders to man-children and degrades women; or in a context that unfairly associates negativity with sexuality, such as a rape scene.

Adam Warren's book doesn't shy away from sex or even exploitation, but instead of tip-toeing around the subject or overplaying the adolescent fantasies hand, he deconstructs and satirizes many of the absurdities that come with aforementioned fantasies.  At worst, sex is treated matter-of-factly, as something that everyone does and enjoys (or should enjoy), or even positively in the context of a relationship.  The result of all of this is a humorous, refreshingly frank depiction of superhero and comic book culture that is both sexy and a joy to read for both male and female comic readers.

Presented as a series of short comics, we are introduced to Empowered, an attractive young superhero whose reputation as a costumed crimefighter revolves around her good looks and notorious penchant for getting captured and tied up by the villains she fights.  In addition to being considered incompetent, she has myriad confidence issues, including body image problems, an understandable inferiority complex, and a super-suit that gives her stupendous powers... until it takes the slightest bits of damage and rips.  She is almost universally condescended to by her teammates on the hilariously named Superhomeys team, and is particularly maligned by Sistah Spooky, a mage teammate who has an irrational hatred of blondes.

Despite constant struggles and derision due to her flimsy suit and general ineptness, Emp manages to soldier on and brave the slings and arrows that inevitably come her way.  She gets plenty of help from her circle of friends, including her boyfriend Thugboy, a former witless minion; Ninjette, a deadly, stealthy assassin who likes to drink a lot; and The Caged Demonwolf, a former all-powerful super-being that now dispenses advice to her from within the trappings of a piece of--and I quote--"power-draining alien bondage gear."

Writing that phrase must have been a whole lot of fun.

If you've seen the first couple of seasons of Doctor Who or just about any part of Torchwood, you know about the character of Captain Jack Harkness, whose oddly omnivorous sexuality is portrayed as a raging non-issue.  He likes women, he likes men, he likes aliens of various shapes and sizes... in short, he appreciates hotness, no matter what its form.  And amazingly, it's no big deal.  This is simply how he is, and the perceptions of him don't really seem to extend to any real labeling or activism.  It's just... how he is.  No big deal.  It's one of the most endearing things about the character, as far as I'm concerned.

Why do I mention this?  Because the way Jack Harkness's sexuality is treated is precisely the same way that sexuality is treated in Empowered.  It exists, it's something people enjoy and do, it's a part of life.  No big deal, and certainly not something to think is a bad thing.

Now, there's a little more exploration of sexuality and sex--since it's one of the main themes of the book--but it's all in good fun.  Some of the jokes include the ridiculousness of tight superhero costumes, Emp's many lame lamentations about the size of her butt, costumes and roleplaying, and badly written superhero fan fiction.  It's laugh-out-loud funny in its forthrightness, highlighted capably by the charm of the characters Warren has written and drawn.

Emp, of course, is the star, and despite her general incompetence as a hero, her various anxieties about her picture-perfectly portrayed body, and the general lameness that denotes her life, she is an undeniably likable heroine.  Fetching drawn by Warren's pencils, she is very easy on the eyes, with her pouty lips and curvy figure, but it is her ability to put up with her rather low status as a super-hero and continue to fight the good fight that truly makes her endearing.  She has a lot of pluck, a naive sense of self-awareness, and an adorable demeanor when she's at ease and not bringing herself down.  She's also very loyal to her friends, as demonstrated in one episode where she truly throws down and kicks ass when Thugboy's life is on the line.

Artistically, I have to say that Warren's style really fits with the tone of the stories.  Done in an almost-unfinished, pseudo-manga style, there's a good deal of emphasis placed on facial expressions, healthy, young human bodies--particularly the ladies, of course--and over-the-top action, when it comes up.  Warren also doesn't shy away from occasionally exploiting the guys, as evidenced by Thugboy's ridiculous Spartan suit and the brief yaoi episode of fanfiction between two of the male Superhomeys.  The cartooniness of the style helps maintain the idea that this is all in good, semi-clean fun, and really helps drive the episodes.

Overall, I have to say that Empowered is one of my new favorites in comics, and while it's most certainly not for all ages, it's certainly good fun for adults who like a good, healthy dollop of sexuality with their superheroes.  It's fun, cleverly written, and adeptly drawn by the writer.  Check it out and just try not to laugh at a few of the episodes.  Highly recommended.